fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
