the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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