So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i came on her dog
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
