I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
