The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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