1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
