Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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