and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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