the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
