Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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