I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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