So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
