I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
