I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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