remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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