I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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