My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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