I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
