I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
