you guys were way drunker than both of me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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