So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
