I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I met the friendliest cop last night
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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