So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
