I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
This is my gift to your gina
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
