Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
