I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
Randomize
