I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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