I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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