i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
