i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
