I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
