Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
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