it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
