So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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