He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
