I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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