I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
