Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
