I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
