As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
