i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
