new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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