Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
