dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Randomize
