Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
