I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
