I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
