I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
