ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
