I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
